


Pillow Talk

by ErykahChanel



Series: Pillow Talk. [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Heart-to-Heart, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, deep conversation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 04:02:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14662890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErykahChanel/pseuds/ErykahChanel
Summary: After a particularly joyous night in bed, Alec has a simple question for Magnus, and the answer is mildly surprising for both of them.





	Pillow Talk

**Author's Note:**

> I first posted this on Tumbr, and I got a lot of great feedback, so I'm putting it here for your enjoyment as well.  
> I may turn "Pillow Talk" into an ongoing series, so be on the lookout for that!

“Do you still like me?” 

Alec was known to be talkative after a night in bed, and in time, it was one of the many things about him Magnus had grown to love. There was a vulnerability in his voice that was reserved for moments like this; moments where the world outside of Magnus’ bedroom melted away, and the two of them were all that remained. 

The question came out of the blue. A few minutes prior, they’d been discussing trivial things, like Magnus’ preference for silk shirts over cotton. 

“Why would you ask me that?” 

Magnus answered with a question of his own. He knew better than to think Alec was beginning to doubt his feelings, and figured there must have been a reason for him asking in the first place. 

A silence settled between them, not entirely comforting, but not unsettling, either. Magnus was grateful for it; it gave him a chance to close his eyes and think, to see if there was anything to make Alec ask such a ridiculous question. 

Alec could only lie there, waiting for Magnus to open his eyes and look at him again. The last thing he’d wanted to do was hurt him, or start a fight. That was the thing - his intentions were good, and his heart was always in the right place, but there were times when his actions didn’t quite line up. 

When he did open his eyes again, Alec was staring back at him; unabashedly, and observant, like always. 

“I’ve been thinking,” He finally spoke. “We’ve been through so much, and I just…” His words were steady enough, but Magnus was beginning to detect fear in his voice, and he couldn’t stand it. 

“Hey,” He ran his fingertips over the side of Alec’s face. “You once told me I never had to hide my feelings from you. You don’t have to hide yours from me, either.” 

Alec started blushing, and took a deep breath before releasing it sharply. Blushing wasn’t an issue, but when he was around Magnus, it was more than color rushing to his cheeks. His entire face would heat up, and his heart began acting like it’d forgotten how to beat properly.

“When we got together, there were a lot of things you liked about me,” He decided to start over. “My loyalty, my…honesty. A lot has happened since then.” Magnus nodded, and remained silence. 

Things had changed, and as long as they both lived, they’d never stop changing. There was always going to be something that forced one of them to either bend or be broken, whether they wanted to or not, and there wasn’t anything either one of them could do about it. 

“Alexander,” Magnus spoke his name softly. “What are you really asking me?”

_Alexander._

__Alec only ever cared for his name when it was coming from the lips of the man he loved. He knew that Magnus was right - as always - and that he shouldn’t hide what he was feeling, but it was easier said than done._ _

__How does one manage to tell the person that holds their heart that they’re terrified? That they’re afraid their mistakes will do nothing but drive them away?_ _

__“Nothing,” Alec shook his head quickly, and sat up. “It’s nothing. Forget I said anything.” Magnus picked up on the changes in Alec’s demeanor, and began to worry._ _

__He’d never been a fan of pillow talk before; musings about feelings, sickly sweet kisses, and constant giggling were more of an annoyance than anything, but it was something he enjoyed doing with Alec. Now, Alec was on his feet, picking his clothes up off the floor to avoid looking Magnus in the eye._ _

__This was one of the tougher aspects of their relationship._ _

__Magnus was a fortress; his walls were strong and thick, and the only way to open them was if he _chose _to let you in. Alec was a house of bricks; sturdy and impenetrable, but if you chipped away at one brick long enough, it would eventually come out, making it easier to remove the rest. However, there was a downside to fortresses and brick houses.___ _

____If you pushed too hard, you’d only end up hurting yourself._ _ _ _

____Magnus sat quietly, waiting to see what Alec would do. He knew from experience what Alec was like when he was backed into a corner, and he didn’t want to have to go to those extremes to get him to do something as simple as _talk _.___ _ _ _

______It didn’t take him very long to respond._ _ _ _ _ _

______Alec sat at the foot of the bed with his back to Magnus, and stared at the door for a few minutes._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m a mess.” He said. “And sometimes, I worry that one day, you’ll get tired of it. You’ll get tired of me screwing up and apologizing. You’ll get sick of hearing my excuses. I’ll want to explain things, like I always do, but there’s going to be a time where you won’t want to hear it.” The fear was genuine, and long standing._ _ _ _ _ _

______Alec wasn’t blind. He was able to recognize his own faults, but the recognition often came too late - they came _after _the damage was done, and he had no choice but to try and correct himself. It wasn’t easy on him in the slightest; constantly being on edge, worried he’d say or do the wrong thing, and be left scrambling for a way to fix it when he did. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for Magnus.___ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re right,” Magnus said. “You _are _a mess.” Alec flinched, but didn’t turn.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________There was relief to be found in self-depreciation because it came from one’s _self _. Hearing it come from someone else was quite different.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You’re a mess because you care,” He continued. “About me, about your family, about doing the right thing, about being a good person, about treating everyone kindly. When you _do _make a mistake, you do everything you can to fix it. How could I ever grow tired of that? How could I ever grow tired of watching the man I love constantly striving to be better, no matter the cost?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Magnus had gone through his fair share of missteps over the course of his life; he was in no position to pass judgement, though he wouldn’t pass any in Alec’s direction even if he was. Alec finally turned around and crawled back up on the bed to lie in front of Magnus._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“My emotions are a part of me, and in this relationship, they blend with yours in the most delicious of ways.” Alec’s face changed, and Magnus groaned internally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________The furrowed brow _.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“There are times I have storms inside - never because of you - but from the damage, and the triggers of my past. That fear comes from another place and time, and has no real connection to you. It helps to remember that you love me as much as I love you, but I worry anyway. I worry because when things get hard, you’ve become my rock. You’re the one that keeps me calm, but I don’t want you to - not anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________When I’m having those moments of storm, I have to find my calm core by myself, and learn center myself, or else I’ll _always _need to be calmed. I love you too much to do that to you, and so I’ll keep learning, keep evolving, maturing. Maybe one day, I’ll become the man you deserve, able to give love freely and completely.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Then, Magnus understood._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Alec wasn’t underestimating his patience and determination to stick things out when they got hard. He was afraid that one day, Magnus wouldn’t _want _to. He was worried that if that day ever came, he’d be lost.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Your compassion was the bridge,” Alec went on. “It just took time for me to trust that it could support my weight. You extended your hand and stayed with me while I showed you the scars, the mess, the fear. You let me come close, let me hide, let me return without shame. Every time I thought you’d had enough, you proved me wrong, and showed me patience I never felt I’d earned. I never _wanted _to be this way; I have pride, and I hate that I do.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________It’s this deep, prominent need to be seen as strong, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to shut it off. True healing takes time - you and I both know there’s no solid cure for deep pain. I’m going to try to be reliable, no promises, but you know me. My word means something, and right now, it’s all I have.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Magnus stared at him in awe, unable to believe his own ears. Alec was one of the strongest people he knew, yet he still thought of himself as weak in some ways, and the realization was a dizzying jolt to his mind. It was like finding out a skydiver was afraid of heights, or a chef hated food._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________In Magnus’ mind, Alec was the physical embodiment of strength and control - two of the things Alec assumed he lacked. Once again, this was less about the way Magnus felt about Alec, and more about Alec’s perception of himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“There are a lot of people that talk a good game, and say they’ll be better, but show me a man that puts action behind his words.” Magnus said. “Then, I’ll have faith. Then, I’ll put my trust in him, because the language of love is something that’s _lived _\- not spoken. I’ve chosen to love and accept you for who you are, mistakes and all. You may fear that it’ll end up being the very things that pushes me away from you one day, but that will _never _happen, Alexander._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________You don’t have to be perfect, and neither do I. We can learn together, lift each other up, and become better people. Love goes far beyond errors and apologies.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Magnus meant every word. Alec was far from perfect, but he was trying. He was _always _trying, and that meant everything and more to Magnus. He wasn’t sure how many times he’d find himself in this position, reminding Alec that he wasn’t going anywhere, but he’d do it without complaint until Alec got it through his head.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“You said that my love wasn’t like a new song, but like opening a book and finding a language you’d never seen before. I want you know that I feel the same way.” He took Alec’s hand, knowing that his touch was the only thing in the world that would soothe him more than words._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Your love is something beautiful; meeting you was like meeting an enigma. I don’t know how you exist in this world, yet you do. So let me tell you now - I will always love you in mind, body and soul. You are the trap I’ve been wanting to fall into my whole life; liberty from you would simply be an infinite prison. You may be a mess, but you’re _my _mess. If I’m the calm you seek in the midst of a storm, then you’re the safe haven for my head and heart.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Magnus knew that Alec still had a lot of growing to do, but could only hope that he’d be able to move forward with the knowledge that doing so wasn’t going to make Magnus leave him, because that wasn’t the kind of man he was._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________If Alec murdered someone, he’d help him hide the body. If Alec was on the run, he’d go to the ends of the earth to find a place for him to hide. If Alec was going through hell, he’d make sure he didn’t go through it alone. If Alec jumped, so would Magnus._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________These weren’t choices that Magnus could make - they were _instincts _. When you loved another person with every inch of soul the way Magnus loved Alec, it didn’t matter what they did, or how bad they thought they were. You’d find it within yourself to forgive them, and help them be better.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Deep down, Alec knew that, but it wouldn’t stop his brain from bringing him to such an uneasy place mentally; a place where he was terrified of being “too much” for Magnus to deal with, despite having proved time and time again that he could handle _anything _life threw at him.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“Can I ask you another question?” Alec scooted closer to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“You may.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“Why?” There was raw honesty in that word. “Why would you stay with me after…anyone else would leave.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“And that, my darling, it what sets me apart from the others. I’m not anyone else - I’m _me _, and I’m staying because you’re worth it; simple as that.” Magnus had torn himself away from Alec once before, and he’d rather die than go through that again.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________The decision hadn’t been easy, and at the time, he truly believed what he was doing was right, but the pain had been unbearable. They’d been apart for less than two days, but for Magnus, it may as well have been an eternity. That was when he knew that he couldn’t fathom being without Alec, the same way anyone comes to the conclusion they can’t be without the one they love._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________If the circumstances demand it, your mind tells you it’s for the best, all the signs of logic and reasoning are pointing to it, and your heart _still _shatters after walking away from that person, that’s when you know.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________Once it becomes clear that they’re the one for you, nothing can pull you away from them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________Absolutely nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________“Now,” Magnus tugged on the hem of Alec’s shirt. “I don’t know who told you to put your clothes back on, but I’d like them off.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________Alec smiled, and it was the beautiful thing Magnus had ever seen. Alec could never just smile - it was always an event of sorts, like the sun breaking through dark clouds after a storm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________“And to answer your first question, no. I _don’t _like you anymore.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________Alec looked confused, and gasped when Magnus rolled over so he was lying on top of him. When they kissed, their lips fit together like pieces of an intricate puzzle. It was open-mouthed, heated, and downright _sinful _. They kissed in a way that made them feel like they’d begun to melt into one another. Magnus lived for those kisses, and Alec knew - without a doubt - that he’d die with the memory of them on his lips.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________It was fascinating how seamlessly they were able to transition from deep conversations, to kisses so sensual, they could only be stolen in the privacy of one’s bedroom._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________Magnus pulled away, opening his eyes to reveal the same fiery glow he’d once hid from Alec._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________“I love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________The cure for deep pain, fear, or insecurity wasn’t magical at all. There was no wonder drug, or specific spell to take any of it away. In that moment, Alec knew he’d been holding the cure to it all in the palm of his hands this entire time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________The very thing he needed was something he’d had all along._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________Love. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
